Safely Home
By Randy Alcorn

"This book has been recommended to me by more people than any other book. An incredible story." - Steve H.

"Is this the day I die?" wonders Li Quan as he endures persecution for his faith. Half a world away his college buddy, businessman Ben Fielding, steps on the plane to China. Reunited after 20 years, both men face decisions that will determine their destinies---and the fates of their nations and the world. 400 pages, softcover from Tyndale.

MTA home > Marriage and Divorce

UNTIL DEATH DO WE PART?

Dear MTA:

There were 2 men whose wives were in a coma for years.

Both were beyond recovery and suffered from severe brain damage.

Both men were devout Christians. In the first case the husband felt that he could never again marry as long as his wife stayed physically alive.

In the first case, the husband could not deal with seeing his wife so withered away. Eventually he stopped visiting her.

He remained faithful to her but could not visit her.

He raised their children and lived a life of celibacy.

In the second case, after a number of years, the man met a woman and rediscovered love. In the process of time, he divorced his invalid wife, married the other and continued to visit, love and cherish his first and former
wife.

In the end, after 20 years both wives passed on.

The 2nd man, continued all during those 20 years to love and care for his comatose wife.... The first, died without the presence and love of her husband.

Which one remained faithful to their vows?

Jeff

Hi Jeff:

In response to your question, in each marriage, what were the vows they made to each other? Your answer is there. [The vows are "until death do we part", so neither remained faithful to their vows. But that's not really the point. Jesus tells us to be servants to others. Which of the two men in your story was a servant and which was self-serving?]

But, here's another way to look at it:

I know a man whose wife (74+ years old) had Alzheimer's. She became totally nonfunctional and was that way for a long time. Although she could be led around and placed in a chair or bed, she never took the initiative to move herself. She had to be fed. Diapers changed. Washed. And moved to get exercise.

The only thing she did was hate her husband, whom she apparently thought was someone else. She continually yelled at and cursed him. She'd try to hit him, but did not have the strength or coordination.

The man's life was miserable, his only break was when she was sleeping.

The man loved playing golf. A friend, whose wife was in a similar condition (although not cursing him) kept telling him to hire a caregiver and come play golf with him. But he chose not to.

He tried putting his wife in a home, for her own good. But she cried and cried and wanted to go home, and the man didn't feel this was right. So after about 10 days he brought her home and cared for her while she cursed him for another year. The toll on his physical and emotional health was tremendous.

Then she passed away.

Did the man do the right thing? Or should he have made her stay in the home where she would have had excellent care? He could have then gone out and enjoyed himself for all those years, as the second man in your story did.

That woman was my mom and the man was my father. I think he did the right thing. As God calls us to be, he was a servant. He wasn't doing this to legally honor the words in his marriage vows, he was honoring his wife and glorifying God--doing what was right.

Yours in the Love of Christ,
Steve
Mission to America

Addendum: This question is actually two questions:

<1> Can I divorce a spouse who is disabled or nonfunctional?

Answer: The Bible does not give disabilities as a reason for divorce.

<2> How should I respond if my spouse is seriously disabled?

Answer: Jesus taught us we are to be a servant and this is true in a marriage. Is our response to our spouses condition for our benefit or for the benefit of our spouse? Are we thinking about what fullfills me, or satisfies me, or makes me feel good? Or are we thinking about how we can best serve our spouse?

It's not about you. It's about your spouse. It's about your family.

Yes, in real life things can be very complicated. In real life there are financial limits, physical limits, emotional limits and spiritual limits. But, the question always remains, are you being a servant in the way Jesus would be a servant?